Something Funny

(Dog Trainer Version)

Pavlov: we fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day at
4p.m. until the chicken’s autonomic system actually began causing the
chicken to cross the road at 4 p.m. without even questioning the why

B.F. Skinner: on prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed
the road, this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing

Cesar Milan: I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken until
it raced across the road, because I am a strong leader.

Barbara Woodhouse: You just say “Walkies” with the right accent and
place a crumpet on the other side of the road.

Karen Pryor: by associating R+ with road crossing and P+ with standing
still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping with the
Premack principle, we increased the intensity and frequency of the road
crossing behavior.

Bill Koehler: a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken
was cheerfully to crossing the road.

Nicholas Dodman: I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine,
carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it was happy to cross the road.

Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out
of my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the chicken followed along
catching the treats.

Electric Collar Advocate: whenever the chicken does not cross the road I
give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than
you would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks and it does not
bother the chicken at all. The feathers standing up and the smell of
burning flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear
communication than they would be otherwise.

Yuppie: chickens are just like little people in feather jackets, and if
you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for them all the
time, they will be happy to cross the road for you.

Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.

Shelter director: Any chickens that do not cross the road will be
euthanized for their own good, and the others we will
âEUR~adoptâEUR^(TM) out tomorrow for only $200 each. Please send us
money so we can keep doing more of this important work!

HSUS member: I do not know anything about animals, I have never been
around animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law
mandating that chickens be kept without cages because animals belong
only in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man, so now they
are walking wherever they want.

PETA member: chickens have the right to live in world without roads. Any
chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an
inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car so we should
kill it today to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.

Author: Amy Dunphy

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